My comments are bold and in ORANGE.
Name: Christopher S. Ledbetter
Title: The Sky Throne
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word count: 85,200
Pitch: In order to become powerful enough to avenge an attack on his family, Zeus must access the power of The Sky Throne. But, doing so might kill him in the process.
Shelley's Comments: Great, powerful pitch here.
The distance between darkness and light was a nano-moment, my mother once told me. A sliver of space. The breadth of a strand of hair. I hadn’t known what she’d meant until that day. And still wished I hadn’t.
Shelley's Comments: I love this opening paragraph. However, that said, I've heard that you shouldn't open a YA with mentioning the protagonist's parents. But I really do love this.
I trudged up the darkened beach, digging my toes in the sand with each step. Visions of pearl-skinned sea nymphs still danced in my head. Their iridescent eyes and seductive charms made me smile.
"C’mon, Zeus" Anytos called, throwing a stick at my feet.
I held a finger in the air.
"Zeus, seriously." He clapped his hands.
"Wait. Hold on." I closed my eyes to enjoy the images of those sea nymphs. Just a moment longer.
"Zeus!" His words sliced sideways through my memories of them. "Sun’s nearly up. We don’t have much time!" Tos stood at the top of a dune, calling down.
I sighed. “I’m coming.”
Shelley's Comments: I have nothing to critique for this. I loved the opening scene. Other than starting with the mc's parent thing (which, even though that's the advice, I still like it as-is). Great writing, beautiful description. Great job Chris!
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.