My comments are bold and in ORANGE.
Title: The Adviera Adventures: Abducted
Genre: YA Science Fiction
Word count: 63,000
Pitch:
Gary’s abduction left him with an amazing ability that comes with a price - service to the aliens who gifted it. He must learn to control his ability and discover why he’s their prime interest.
Shelley's Comments: This pitch is *almost* there. What are the stakes? What happens if he doesn't control his ability and discover why he's their prime interest?
Excerpt:
From within a brick wall, Sandy and her Hasis trainer, Es, watched a man in a black overcoat scavenge a pile of cardboard boxes. The shadowy alley, capped by a chain link fence, lay littered with a colony of stray cats searching for food. One trashcan fell to the ground with a loud clang and a tabby emerged from the can.
Shelley's Comments: I stumbled over this opening sentence. They are actually IN the brick wall, or behind? There is some passive wording - "lay littered". With passive wording happening in the first paragraph, I wonder if the rest of the ms is like this? Other than that, I like the imagery. I think a little tightening would strengthen this opening.
The man pulled a small gun from his coat pocket and fired at the cat. The purple laser missed the animal by inches and it skittered past him escaping through a small gap under the fence. Using the distraction as a cover, Sandy crept through the brick wall, straightened her jeans and t-shirt, and reached back into the solid surface to pull her companion out by the arm.
Shelley's Comments: The brick wall is still tripping me up - how is she creeping THROUGH the brick wall? The last part of the sentence clues me in that something is not "normal", but I'm still thoroughly confused.
“It’s a dead end,” she said pointing towards the man.
“He’s trapped like a rat in a cage.” Es smirked. Sandy smiled at the use of a human cliché.
Shelley's Comments: The pitch was strong, and had me wanting to read on. But I wasn't pulled in by the passage. I like the imagery, but starting out with someone watching THROUGH a brick wall and them moving through it, when you haven't given me the parameters of your world yet, was jarring. I had a hard time getting into the story because of that.
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.
Thanks so much for your comments. I really appreciate the feedback. This part of the story has been a huge sticking point for me. I've reworked it more than any other section of my manuscript.
ReplyDeleteYes you understood correctly, they are actually in the wall. The story is about kids with superpower type abilities. Sandy can meld in and out of solid objects. There's another incident a few paragraphs later where she walks through a fence.
"Sandy melted into the fence. Moments later, she pulled away from the opposite side like glue stretching between two surfaces."
Maybe I need to take half a step back and explain how they got into the wall. I'll have to think about that a bit.
Thanks again!