My comments are bold and in ORANGE.
Title: Grave Digger
Genre: Paranormal Romance (Adult)
Word Count: 77,000
Pitch: Romance wasn't on the menu when Stephanie had anaphylaxis, so falling for the apologetic baker was accidental. Being committed to another man was problematic. Realizing both may actually be dead jeopardizes more than her heart.
Shelley's Comments: I'm liking this pitch. Sounds like it has a bit of humor to it as well.
Excerpt:
Stephanie pulled hard on the wheel, steering her blue Porsche into two parking spots and a hint of the curb. Before throwing open the car door, she flipped down the mirror to check her make-up while tucking long, dark brown curls behind her ears. Then, commanding the sidewalk with each ruby stiletto step, she made her way inside the most elegant jewelry store in Upstate, New York – Rousseau's.
Shelley's Comments: I love the opening sentence. Great job. The next two, however, read a bit recipe-like (Before, then, etc). I really like the voice, though.
“Miss Reynolds!” the owner called in a thick, yet delightful French accent. He glided toward her in an all-black tuxedo and laid a kiss on both of her cheeks.
“Hello, Christian,” she said. She was glowing with excitement, her big blue eyes peeking over the counters. “I'm here for Phillip's gift?”
Shelley's Comments: Her eyes peeked over the counters? Not quite sure this is the right visual. maybe she perused the counters? Something. it just feels off.
Christian Rousseau was a man of impeccable style. Though his shop was nestled in the middle of suburbia, clients come from all over the world to purchase a genuine Rousseau creation.
Shelley's Comments: I love your voice in this passage. Besides the few nit-picky things, I really like this. She feels materialistic and self-centered. From the pitch and the opening passage, I look forward to how you will torture her. :) I'm a sucker for romance, so I'd definitely read on!
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.
The pitch is outstanding. Excellent "hook" and the stakes are presented with great humor.
ReplyDeleteThe entry is also excellent with a pacing that clips right along. The only stumble for me was the word "come" vs "came" since it felt like a slip of tense, but that might be me reading it wrong. Overall, however, a very strong opener to an interesting character and plot.
Thanks for the advice! It's always good to have some positive feedback to push yourself forward. And the "come" "came" comment makes sense to me. I have a hard time with it, because I can read it both ways. I'll definitely look into more.
DeleteYour pitch has the right tone, but I think it could be rerworked a bit to remove the passive voice (and I say this after submitting my first 250 which opens with two glaring examples of passive voice (facepalm) which I've since edited, but anyway.)
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to figure out how to best say it; instead of "had anaphyalxis" can you say experienced anaphyalactic shock (is that what it's referring to?)
Hmmm... maybe I'm overthinking. Anyway, I'm intruiged!
Honestly? Anaphylaxis was used only because of the word count restriction. My pitch for queries will say anaphylactic shock :) Passive voice is something that I have to work on, haha. And yes, critiquing someone else's work will always make your own mistakes pop out afterward. Haha. This contest has been very helpful for me.
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