My comments are bold and in ORANGE.
Name: Erica W.
Title: Grave Digger
Genre: Paranormal Romance (Adult)
Word Count: 77,000
Pitch: Romance wasn't on the menu when Stephanie had anaphylaxis, so falling for the apologetic baker was accidental. Being committed to another man was problematic. Realizing both may actually be dead jeopardizes more than her heart.
Shelley's Comments: I'm liking this pitch. Sounds like it has a bit of humor to it as well.
Stephanie pulled hard on the wheel, steering her blue Porsche into two parking spots and a hint of the curb. Before throwing open the car door, she flipped down the mirror to check her make-up while tucking long, dark brown curls behind her ears. Then, commanding the sidewalk with each ruby stiletto step, she made her way inside the most elegant jewelry store in Upstate, New York – Rousseau's.
Shelley's Comments: I love the opening sentence. Great job. The next two, however, read a bit recipe-like (Before, then, etc). I really like the voice, though.
“Miss Reynolds!” the owner called in a thick, yet delightful French accent. He glided toward her in an all-black tuxedo and laid a kiss on both of her cheeks.
“Hello, Christian,” she said. She was glowing with excitement, her big blue eyes peeking over the counters. “I'm here for Phillip's gift?”
Shelley's Comments: Her eyes peeked over the counters? Not quite sure this is the right visual. maybe she perused the counters? Something. it just feels off.
Christian Rousseau was a man of impeccable style. Though his shop was nestled in the middle of suburbia, clients come from all over the world to purchase a genuine Rousseau creation.
Shelley's Comments: I love your voice in this passage. Besides the few nit-picky things, I really like this. She feels materialistic and self-centered. From the pitch and the opening passage, I look forward to how you will torture her. :) I'm a sucker for romance, so I'd definitely read on!
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.