My comments are bold and in ORANGE.
Name: Stephanie Scott
Title: The Astronaut's Daughter
Genre: YA Historical
Word count: WIP 65,000 -70,000
Pitch: When sixteen-year-old Evelyn's father is recruited, then replaced, for NASA's Project Gemini, she's torn between maintaining her newly-attained but fleeting popularity and embracing an interacial relationship.
Shelley's Comments: I'm not getting the connection between Evelyn's father's occupation, her fleeting popularity and an interracial relationship. I'm not seeing any stakes. What does she want? What does she stand to lose?
Texas was going to make my dreams come true. I was sure of it. Not just for me, but for all of us. Me, my sister Bev, my parents.
Now, if I could get used to the heat. Even alone on the balcony of this old estate house it felt like warm bodies crowded around me. I stood in such a way to prevent sweat from seeping into my dress – a sleeveless fitted sheath that felt too fitted and not sleeveless enough. Either I looked like I had excellent posture, which my mother would love, or like some incurable itch got the best of me.
Back in the ballroom the band started up Moon River. A more appropriate choice would’ve been Heat Wave by Martha and the Vandellas, but I didn’t think this crowd would be into one of my favorite girl groups. Or anything from the current Top 40.
Shelley's Comments: I really like your voice and writing in this piece. But the pitch is not doing this justice. While your writing is full of voice, the pitch is falling flat.Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.