My comments are bold and in ORANGE.
Name: Stephanie Scott
Title: The Astronaut's Daughter
Genre: YA Historical
Word count: WIP 65,000 -70,000
Pitch: When sixteen-year-old Evelyn's father is recruited, then replaced, for NASA's Project Gemini, she's torn between maintaining her newly-attained but fleeting popularity and embracing an interacial relationship.
Shelley's Comments: I'm not getting the connection between Evelyn's father's occupation, her fleeting popularity and an interracial relationship. I'm not seeing any stakes. What does she want? What does she stand to lose?
Excerpt:
Texas was going to make my dreams come true. I was sure of it. Not just for me, but for all of us. Me, my sister Bev, my parents.
Now, if I could get used to the heat. Even alone on the balcony of this old estate house it felt like warm bodies crowded around me. I stood in such a way to prevent sweat from seeping into my dress – a sleeveless fitted sheath that felt too fitted and not sleeveless enough. Either I looked like I had excellent posture, which my mother would love, or like some incurable itch got the best of me.
Back in the ballroom the band started up Moon River. A more appropriate choice would’ve been Heat Wave by Martha and the Vandellas, but I didn’t think this crowd would be into one of my favorite girl groups. Or anything from the current Top 40.
Shelley's Comments: I really like your voice and writing in this piece. But the pitch is not doing this justice. While your writing is full of voice, the pitch is falling flat.
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.
I think I got your gist in the pitch--because her father was recruited for the mission, she's suddenly Ms. Popularity--but that's all pretty tenuous and she's committing social hari kari by dating someone of another race, right? That said--it could be pared down, cleaner, and insert some voice if you can! One idea--do we need to know he's replaced to get the gist of the story? I think it would be cleaner and I'd see clearer conflict if it was "she's attained popularity because of Dad's job, but she's risking it by dating the wrong person." I guess, IMO, I dont need to know Dad gets axed for the job--I can discover that as a twist in the story. I would read this story--the first 250 capture a time and place really well :)
ReplyDeleteI'm terrible at pitches so I'm super grateful fo the feedback.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Rowenna, I'm thankful you picked up on what I meant in my pitch. My earlier versions of the pitch focused on her attaining popularity and the threat of losing it w/ interacial relationship (actually part of a love triangle). I guess I thought I needed to get the setting in there w/ the dad's job. Yerk... Will keep working. Thank you!
I also got the gist of the pitch (the title with it helps, I think). The issue seems (to me anyway) to be the not quite connection between the last two items on the list in the pitch. Perhaps split it into two sentences to make it more clear?
ReplyDeleteThe excerpt is great! Love the voice, and I get a clear picture of where and who she is. Well done! :)