My comments are bold and in ORANGE.
Name: Ellen Rozek
Title: The Recruited
Genre: YA thriller
Word Count: 80k
Pitch: Naomi, a teenage murderer hunting terrorists for the government, must simultaneously avoid the attentions of a boy who would like nothing better than to uncover her secrets and stay one step ahead of her enemies.
Shelley's comment: I'm confused by the phrase "teenage murderer". Is she really a murderer, or an assassin? Why is she hunting terrorists for the government? Who are her enemies? Why does the boy want to uncover her secrets? What are the stakes? What does she have to lose if he does uncover her secrets? What are the stakes?
Excerpt:
The whispers of the other uniformed girls reached Naomi’s ears as she jogged back across the yard and fell into line. Ever since she’d taken up running during their brief moments outside, the same girls who had ignored her after her initial arrival suddenly found her worth gossiping about again. It didn’t matter one way or the other to Naomi. Ignoring everyone around her had gotten her through nearly three years in juvenile prison, and she wasn’t about to stop now.
Shelley's comments: So she really is a murderer. I think this opening paragraph is missing the mark. You've *almost* got me hooked. If you had started out the paragraph with the "Ignoring everyone around her..." sentence, I might have been hooked.
Most of the other inmates had lost interest when they’d found out that harsh words or threats did nothing to provoke her. The few who hadn’t soon learned that she wasn’t above defending herself and that fist fights didn’t faze her. It also didn’t hurt that—of all the girls in the facility—Naomi was the only one convicted of murder.
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.
Title: The Recruited
Genre: YA thriller
Word Count: 80k
Pitch: Naomi, a teenage murderer hunting terrorists for the government, must simultaneously avoid the attentions of a boy who would like nothing better than to uncover her secrets and stay one step ahead of her enemies.
Shelley's comment: I'm confused by the phrase "teenage murderer". Is she really a murderer, or an assassin? Why is she hunting terrorists for the government? Who are her enemies? Why does the boy want to uncover her secrets? What are the stakes? What does she have to lose if he does uncover her secrets? What are the stakes?
Excerpt:
The whispers of the other uniformed girls reached Naomi’s ears as she jogged back across the yard and fell into line. Ever since she’d taken up running during their brief moments outside, the same girls who had ignored her after her initial arrival suddenly found her worth gossiping about again. It didn’t matter one way or the other to Naomi. Ignoring everyone around her had gotten her through nearly three years in juvenile prison, and she wasn’t about to stop now.
Shelley's comments: So she really is a murderer. I think this opening paragraph is missing the mark. You've *almost* got me hooked. If you had started out the paragraph with the "Ignoring everyone around her..." sentence, I might have been hooked.
Most of the other inmates had lost interest when they’d found out that harsh words or threats did nothing to provoke her. The few who hadn’t soon learned that she wasn’t above defending herself and that fist fights didn’t faze her. It also didn’t hurt that—of all the girls in the facility—Naomi was the only one convicted of murder.
Shelley's Comments: The last line of the second paragraph is what finally hooked me. We've got a teenage murderer here. I would rearrange the two paragraphs to clue the reader in much earlier that the protagonist is someone special, potentially an anti-hero.
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.
This is really intriguing and could be exciting. I think maybe we need to hear her voice (not necessarily in dialogue) and get a feel for who she is beyond a murderer.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued that she's a teenage murderer. I agree that her voice is not coming through, which would help hook me more. If somehow the fact that the harsh words or threats didn't provoke her could be shown along with the narrative of her thoughts in her voice, that might also draw me in a little more.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Shelley about switching some of the sentences to get the murderer info front and center.
This is a great premise, but with the exception of the very first line, this is ALL telling and backstory. Let the reader get into the meat of the action and this will really shine!
ReplyDelete