My comments are bold and in ORANGE.
Name: Suzi R
Title: Frosty
Genre: Contemporary Young Adult
Word Count: 52,000 words
Pitch:
When a troubled foster girl learns the lives of the privileged kids are not so perfect, her frozen exterior begins to thaw, but it may not be enough to open up her heart to love.
Shelley's Comments: I'm not really feeling this pitch. Is this all that happens in the book? Can you give us more info, tell us more about what happens? Who does she meet? What happens and how does it change her? What are the stakes? What does she want more than anything? What happens if she if she doesn't get it? It's kinda falling flat for me right now. You've got the When x happens, mc must y in order to z, but I think it's the "her exterior begins to thaw" (or y) that is missing the mark.
First 150:
Snow swirled and wet hair lashed at my face as the wind whipped through my worn coat. My ears tingled from the frigid air, but I stayed outside. The caseworker thought I was nuts, but I liked the cold. It numbed me… relaxed me. Besides, I couldn’t smoke inside—those were the rules.
Shelley's Comments: The first sentence isn't as strong as it could be. Like on the other entries, beware of the "as" phrasing. I really like the idea that she liked the cold. Personally, I'd rework the first paragraph to start off with the strongest part - that she liked the cold - it numbed and relaxed her.
My nerves were calm now and as I finished my second cigarette, Jim pulled up in a dark Mercedes. Cool—none of my former foster families were wealthy. He must have left Lana at home, along with Brooke, the daughter I hadn’t met. This time the caseworker suggested placing me in a family with a teenage girl. As if me and Brooke would be close friends and my senior year would be the best ever. I was smart enough to know that would never happen. I just needed to get through these last six months with the Claytons and I’d be on my own.
Title: Frosty
Genre: Contemporary Young Adult
Word Count: 52,000 words
Pitch:
When a troubled foster girl learns the lives of the privileged kids are not so perfect, her frozen exterior begins to thaw, but it may not be enough to open up her heart to love.
Shelley's Comments: I'm not really feeling this pitch. Is this all that happens in the book? Can you give us more info, tell us more about what happens? Who does she meet? What happens and how does it change her? What are the stakes? What does she want more than anything? What happens if she if she doesn't get it? It's kinda falling flat for me right now. You've got the When x happens, mc must y in order to z, but I think it's the "her exterior begins to thaw" (or y) that is missing the mark.
First 150:
Snow swirled and wet hair lashed at my face as the wind whipped through my worn coat. My ears tingled from the frigid air, but I stayed outside. The caseworker thought I was nuts, but I liked the cold. It numbed me… relaxed me. Besides, I couldn’t smoke inside—those were the rules.
Shelley's Comments: The first sentence isn't as strong as it could be. Like on the other entries, beware of the "as" phrasing. I really like the idea that she liked the cold. Personally, I'd rework the first paragraph to start off with the strongest part - that she liked the cold - it numbed and relaxed her.
My nerves were calm now and as I finished my second cigarette, Jim pulled up in a dark Mercedes. Cool—none of my former foster families were wealthy. He must have left Lana at home, along with Brooke, the daughter I hadn’t met. This time the caseworker suggested placing me in a family with a teenage girl. As if me and Brooke would be close friends and my senior year would be the best ever. I was smart enough to know that would never happen. I just needed to get through these last six months with the Claytons and I’d be on my own.
Shelley's Comments: I'm disoriented by this paragraph. She refers to her foster dad as Jim, and thinks "cool" when he pulls up in the Mercedes. But then she describes how he must have left the rest of the family at home. I can't tell if she already lives with this family or if this is their first meeting.
I like your voice and think you've done a good job of making it a sound like a teen.
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.I like your voice and think you've done a good job of making it a sound like a teen.
I'd never heard of the "as" problem. Will definitely check the rest of the ms too. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I like the subject because I think there should be more books exploring foster care. I worked in foster care for awhile and wished I had known about books for teens in this subject back then.
ReplyDeleteI have a similar suggestion for the first paragraph, starting:
I liked the cold, the way my ears tingled and the snow whipped around me. My caseworker thought I was nuts, but it relaxed me, numbed me.
Not perfect but something like that. It shows the voice a little more, which is there, but a little buried in the descriptions.
Thank you. I will work on it.
DeleteShelley,
ReplyDeleteSometimes these pitch and query things make me want to pull my hair out. It's hard to get it all in with so few words.
I changed a few words in original pitch to this...
When a troubled foster girl learns the lives of the privileged kids are not so perfect, she begins to open up to others, but it may not be enough to open her cold heart to love.
Yes, this is it, boiled down to the bare bones. But I realize it's dry and has no voice.
So after looking at your comments/questions, I came up with a different approach. Do you think this would be preferable?
When Sydney falls for the boyfriend of her foster sister Brooke, he helps her to open up. But Brooke isn’t their only obstacle to overcome because Sydney’s self-doubts may keep her from ever embracing love.
Thank you.
Suzi - trust me we feel your pain. Writing a pitch (especially with a word count of <35) is really, really hard.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I do like the "When Sydney falls for the boyfriend of her foster sister Brooke..." But the rest still feels a little dry.
What are the obstacles she must face besides Brooke? I like the intrigue that she falls for a guy she can't have. But all that happens is he helps her open up? How did she end up in foster care in the first place?
Even with the new pitch, I'm not seeing the stakes. What does she stand to lose?
One more try.
ReplyDeleteAfter Sydney falls for her foster sister’s boyfriend, she learns Brooke is gay. But Brooke won’t give up Corbin and even if she does, Sydney’s mistrust of others may keep her from ever embracing love.
I agree with the suggestions on re-ordering the beginning. Enjoying the cold is unusual and grabs you a little more.
ReplyDeleteI like the 3rd pitch, actually. I think you hint at more stakes and conflict than in the first two. Sounds like an interesting book!
I feel your pain about the short word pitch! I don't write short.
ReplyDeleteReordering the beginning would definitely make it stronger. I like the contracting imagery. Most people hate the cold - it relaxes her, numbs her. (Great concept!)
I like the third pitch, but it almost seems to contradict itself. She falls for her foster sister's boyfriend, but then the end is her mistrust may keep her from embracing love.
Maybe try reordering the pitch?
Sydney’s mistrust of others may keep her from ever embracing love. Falling for her foster sister’s boyfriend, wasn't part of her plan. Even if Brooke gave up Corbin, Sydney's must still overcome her own self-doubt.
Hope that helps.
Thanks, Kira. I'll have to think about re-ordering cause I really like having the "falling for her foster sister's bf" first. To grab attention.
DeleteI guess for me, I don't see it as a contradiction. She doesn't have trouble falling for people. Her trouble is opening up and 'embracing love.' But I know the story--so that's clear in my head, but maybe not to anyone else.
Thanks for the comments.