#S-12 STEEL HORIZON
I never knew the world could hold so much silence. It echoed through the hollow malls and empty stores, through highways filled with nothing but the charred shells of abandoned cars.
It whistled through the bones of the dead.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this opening.
All eyes looked up when the first raindrops fell from the sky. Scrappers feared the rain. It was the only thing that kept us safe. Kept us hidden. But even with the rain pattering down on the steel roof, nobody talked or moved. We were too tired to be thankful from our short moment of safety. We all knew it wouldn’t last.
A shiver ran down my spine as I watched the people around me with their backs hunched and shoulders sagged. Even though their numbers were small, I wasn’t used to being around people. I tried to isolate myself from them, hugging my legs to my chest and keeping myself folded into my corner.
A man and his young son were nearby and I couldn’t help but stare; he was the youngest person I’d seen in months.
Brown hair clung to his face, streaked with dirt and tears, but his father still let him press his head against his chest, holding him close. He comforted him and told him everything would be all right. His words were lies, but I could never contradict him. Because deep down, I wanted to hear those things too. I wanted someone to tell me that we were all going to live and actually mean it.
I can not tell you how much I loved this opening page. Personal preference? Maybe. I LOVE anything post-apocalyptic/zombie/etc like this. I would absolutely keep reading. Loved the voice, loved the bleakness of the world. And funny that you opened with the exact thing that draws me to post apocalyptics in the first place: the silence. LOVE this.
It's absolutely gorgeous! Can't believe this story isn't agented yet!
ReplyDeleteMy only nit pick is to perhaps find a new way to say "shiver down my spine" - something that creates a unique voice rather than relying on an overused line. But that is being super nit picky.
Haha, Sharon, I'd been thinking the same thing lately :P I just haven't gotten around to doing it.
ReplyDeleteAnd THANK YOU SHELLEY!!! :D Thank you thank you!
I love this too - love the tone, the imagery. I think only one thing was lacking for me, and it could be that it comes in the next couple of paragraphs after this page - I wanted to know WHERE the MC was. It mentions a steel roof, but I wanted to be able to picture the scene more clearly. And my super nitpicky thing - I think in the sentence: "We were too tired to be thankful from our short moment of safety" - the "from" should be "for". But again, a teensy little thing, because I really did love this opener.
ReplyDeleteI actually fixed that 'From' to a 'For about three days ago. XD haha. But thank you! And it does mention where she is a couple paragraphs down.
DeleteI really like this. I would def. read on! The only line that caused me to stumble was...'but his father still let him press his head against his chest...'
ReplyDeletehis, him, his --all just a few words apart, so I had to reread twice before I could grasp what was being said. It was just me stumbling, not really a mistake on your part, but I thought I'd mention. Maybe there is a way to simplify that part. :)
Great job...look forward to seeing this in contests :)
I recognize this from Cupid's Literary Connections Surprise Agent Invasion, where it's gotten 2 well-deserved requests! Good job!
ReplyDelete