"They can take our freedom, but they can never have our French fries!"
I'm not usually a fan of opening with dialog, but I love this.
If there had been a desk in front of her, Grace Harper would have smacked her head against it. Repeatedly. Loving the voice so far.
The auditorium erupted into cheers, a decidedly uncommon occurrence for Dresden High School's student council candidacy announcements. Usually, students simply said what position they were running for and why people should vote for them, to weak applause or the occasional overzealous "Yeah!" from the stoner kids in the back.
Apparently, all it took was a twinkly-eyed Quarterback running on a French fries platform to get people enthusiastically engaged in student government.
Grace had to use all her strength to unclench her jaw. Her fists, however, she kept balled at her sides, so that she wouldn't try and wring anyone's neck. She wasn't usually this aggressive, really, but there was something about pretty-boy jocks who reduced student government to a popularity contest that irked her.
Said jock extraordinaire, Jake Carlson, gesticulated wildly at the crowd to keep going, and ended his brilliantly puerile campaign speech with, "So if you vote for me, everything will be awesome, and you can have all the French fries you want!"
Head. Desk.
Before she could engage in any more imaginary stress relief, the student council adviser, Ms. Jefferson, nodded at Grace to go up to the podium, despite the fact that the crowd was still whooping, cat-calling and clapping. Jake, for his part, was encouraging them by way of a dramatic reenactment of last week's game-winning catch.
I loved this. Yes, it hooked me, simply because of the voice. Interested to see how this relates to the genre you have listed, since it reads very contemporary. But anyway, yes, I would keep reading.
I usually can find something that could be tightened. It's important to give some sort of critique to help the writer...but truly I wouldn't change a word! This was really well written. Great hook! And I am curious if the rest of the story is written this well.... I can imagine agents will be fighting over this. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Shelley. I think the voice is fantastic, and I love Grace's attitude. I love it when the narrator doesn't agree with what goes around her :D I'm also curious to how this will turn out to be a sci-fi story as well, because I don't really get a taste of sci-fi elements here. Still like it nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteI love this! I was laughing out loud. Great start :)
ReplyDeleteI love this! I was laughing out loud. Great start :)
ReplyDeleteChiming in to add another "love the voice" and "great start"! Would definitely keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteI love this one! I want to read it now!
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