Love the title.
At least once a week, Melia Hale dreamt about her death.
The dreams started around her eighth birthday, and she had yet to repeat one. Surrounded by the pyramids, in a thick deciduous forest, or on a Spanish tall ship—the locations varied, but the method stayed the same. Lia died by fire every time. And there was always something familiar about the flames. A feeling of inevitability, tinged with anger, resolve, and helplessness.
Oooh, interesting.
As Lia stood in the dark, cluttered tent at the state fair, she once again felt that sense of destiny. The gypsy held Lia’s hand close to her face, traced the lines in the upturned palm, and closed her bloodshot eyes. Lia wanted to withdraw her hand from the swarthy woman. She hadn’t wanted to come in here. Well, not exactly. Gavin had suggested it, and Lia had agreed with little thought. Now, alone in the patched red tent with this woman who reeked of pipe smoke, she regretted it—despite the pull. She’d always imagined visiting the gypsy at the state fair. The dingy tent stood on the edge of the fairgrounds. It huddled in on itself, afraid to reveal its secrets. Curiosity had pricked Lia’s mind since the first time she’d passed it, eight years ago. She’d envisioned a crystal ball on an ornately carved pedestal table. Not a foldable card table, a stack of dirty laundry in the corner.
The gypsy pushed a strand of matted black hair out of her face and opened her eyes. She smiled, too.
At least once a week, Melia Hale dreamt about her death.
Interesting opening line. I like it.
The dreams started around her eighth birthday, and she had yet to repeat one. Surrounded by the pyramids, in a thick deciduous forest, or on a Spanish tall ship—the locations varied, but the method stayed the same. Lia died by fire every time. And there was always something familiar about the flames. A feeling of inevitability, tinged with anger, resolve, and helplessness.
Oooh, interesting.
As Lia stood in the dark, cluttered tent at the state fair, she once again felt that sense of destiny. The gypsy held Lia’s hand close to her face, traced the lines in the upturned palm, and closed her bloodshot eyes. Lia wanted to withdraw her hand from the swarthy woman. She hadn’t wanted to come in here. Well, not exactly. Gavin had suggested it, and Lia had agreed with little thought. Now, alone in the patched red tent with this woman who reeked of pipe smoke, she regretted it—despite the pull. She’d always imagined visiting the gypsy at the state fair. The dingy tent stood on the edge of the fairgrounds. It huddled in on itself, afraid to reveal its secrets. Curiosity had pricked Lia’s mind since the first time she’d passed it, eight years ago. She’d envisioned a crystal ball on an ornately carved pedestal table. Not a foldable card table, a stack of dirty laundry in the corner.
The gypsy pushed a strand of matted black hair out of her face and opened her eyes. She smiled, too.
I was hooked. Great voice. Interesting concept. I would read on, hoping that the rest of the book lives up to the promise of the first page. Great job.
This is great! Nothing to nitpick until that last word, but that may be because we don't get the next sentence to clear up whether "too" means the gypsy smiled in addition to her other actions, or whether Melia was also smiling (which doesn't fit the mood).
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing! I love the first line, homage to one of the most famous openings in lit! Nice touch, and how well it fits. The gypsy probably needs to stand on tiptoes to really look into Lia's eyes, right? I mean, they're both sitting at the table, but she's quite short, don't you think, with aged tobacco stains filling the creases of her crooked fingers, no doubt. Great imagery!
ReplyDeleteOkay, in the interest of helping- I'm going to pick at this, but only because I like it and I want it to shine :)
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I don't think any back story should be within the first page...just mo, but I want to know who I'm reading about, and what is happening NOW. Once I'm invested, then you can fill in gaps as they arise :) So I would cut the first line and paragraph that follows. I like them, so copy them and paste in the near future :)
Next, the line 'The gypsy held Lia’s hand close to her face...' I had to read a few times because I wasn't sure who the 'her' was. Was the gypsy holding the girl's hand up to the gypsy's face, or pushing the girl's hand into her own face to show her what the lines meant?-- I figured it out as I read on, but the point is I had to stop and re-read that one part a couple of times. So I would simply say 'The gypsy held Lia's hand, tracing the lines of her upturned palm. (Since Lia is the last name spoken, the her reflects- her. When you said 'her' earlier, you are refering to the gyspy, but Lia was the last name, so it didn't work)--Does that make sense?
And as for the rest, I like it, but like I suggested- I'd removed back story and let the gypsy tell us all the cool stuff. I love the idea of opening with a fortune reading....a million crazy, scary, funny, things could happen!!! (I've learned recently that agents hate the mention of dreams, or waking in an opening...so use it, it's great, but save it for several paragraphs AFTER the opening :)--HOPE THIS HELPS, GOOD LUCK :)
I agree with Shelley...I want more :) Great writing and voice!!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for reading and commenting!
ReplyDelete