#S-7 Holly Boland
I eyed the couple sitting at the wrought iron table to my left. They were engrossed in conversation with each other, their affection for one another, apparent. The umbrella shading the table wiggled back and forth with the breeze. I could smell the evil in the air, even though everyone else around me was oblivious. It seared through me like a ripple of invisible energy; both dark and familiar.
As a whole, I like this paragraph, however I think it could use some tightening. For example, the fact that they are to the MC's left. Is this detail necessary? Maybe try to combine the first two sentences together to make it more succinct. I am intrigued by her ability to smell evil on the air.
Then I saw him. His face lined with hard facial features, just as Toni had described. Cobalt blue eyes, with his chin resting on his tattooed forearms. He was ordering food from a roadside stand; his arms perched on the countertop. His black hair shaggy, yet stick straight. He was a little unwavering, with his casual appearance, but he was not as unknowing as the people around him. He could be the one.
"His face lined with hard facial features" doesn't do much for me - what does it mean? Also "He was a little unwavering" another description that I'm not understanding.
I’ve searched for the one for quite some time now. I looked away in disbelief. He’s smiling; that’s an act of kindness. The first sign of weakness in this world. Kindness. Across the street, hid beneath the shadows of the two large brick buildings, they waited for him. I caught sight of a reflective flicker in the window of the same building. Binoculars. A scope, perhaps. He was surrounded. I had less than a minute, seconds at best, to reach him. I started towards him, when a bright light seared my vision. I saw the explosion, before I heard the thunderous rush. The heat engulfed me, burning the hair off my arms…
There's some tense shifting throughout this first page that leaves me questioning if this project is written in present or past tense. Ex: "I've searched" "He's smiling".
Truth be told, I wasn't hooked by this opening, until you got to the part about people watching him, and the explosion. So much description of what's going on around the guy and what he looks like. And then he's blown up.
I agree with what Shelley said. The only thing I would add is about the first paragraph - why not start with the sentence: "I could smell the evil in the air, even though everyone else around me was oblivious." (I really like the idea of smelling evil, BTW!) The couple at the next table don't seem important, so I'm left wondering why they're the focus right at the beginning where your hook should be.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback! The present tense was in italics when I sent it, but I see now that it didn't come through that way. :) Definitely some great points to take a look at. Thanks again!
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