#S-8 Samie Leavy
I push my palms flat against the ground, tug the fresh blades of grass through my fingers and think about the bodies buried beneath me. I know there are over four hundred men, women, and children in the mass grave and I know how they died. Everyone knows.
Love this opening paragraph.
I live in Vita: A country built above its dead. For miles beneath the concrete slabs of the City there are endless graves. It is our job to burn or bury the bodies, depending on their status or cause of death.
The luminous glow of the dawning sun creeps across the sky as I watch, listening to Clay's rhythmic snoring. Birte doesn't like us to sleep outside, he says children have no business sleeping amongst the dead. I don't understand his reasoning, we live in the cemetery – we are constantly amongst the dead.
I'd come to live with Birte and Clay when I was four, Clay was five. Birte Graves had lived at the cemetery all his life, and had raised his only son there after his wife died in childbirth. His son Lirit Graves, Clay's father, had died the day before I arrived. The day Lirit died, he'd returned to the cemetery, after wandering with those people for three years. His cause of death was never mentioned but there's a rusty stain in the middle of the floor of that looks a lot like a blood stain. It doesn't surprise us Lirit died, that's what happened if you wandered with them.
This one is tough. I was hooked up until this last paragraph where you info dumped all of the mc's backstory. That's where you lost me. But the first three paragraphs were awesome! Can you find a way to give us the mc's back story as to how he/she came to live with Birte a little at a time?
I have to agree, the first few paragraphs had me going. That's an awesome opening paragraph, and it doesn't just hang there, but weaves throughout the rest of the opening, too.
ReplyDeleteI also think maybe "His cause of death was never mentioned but there's a rusty stain in the middle of the floor of that looks a lot like a blood stain." is overstatement, and that "His cause of death was never mentioned, but there's a rusty [maybe another word?] stain in the middle of the floor." says all that needs to be said -- trust the reader, and all.
Yeah, I agree with the above. Here's my 2 cents. Save backstory for later, try and leave it out of the first page, and even chapter if possible. You need to grab the reader/ agent, so keep them in the moment (backstory always takes the reader out of the moment). I say cut the entire last paragraph. If you want to mention the stain, have the mc walk past and give us a one sentence line about it, as the mc thinks the thought while passing.
ReplyDeleteThis way it isn't the AUTHOR telling us backstory...it is the mc walking past a stain and having a thought about it.
That would be a great place to tease the reader. Don't tell us all of the story behind the stain, mention that someone died there and make the reader read-on to find out how, who why. :)
Hope this helps :)