2nd Time's The Charm

Some of you might have noticed that a while back I took all reference to being agented off my blog/Twitter/Facebook/everywhere. That was for good reason. Sadly, I parted ways with my previous agent. It was amicable, but ending a relationship is always hard. We just weren't the right fit. As simple as that.

But that doesn't mean that I can't be over the moon excited about signing with a new agent.

I am absolutely thrilled to announce that I am now represented by Lauren Hammond of ADA Management!!!

Lauren's vision for my work and sparkling personality really sold me. And if she can sell me, she can sell my work! I am confident she can help take my work to the next level. And that would be.... published!

March Madness Agent Pitch Match

Submission time for the exciting March Madness Agent Pitch Match (Phew. That's a twister) is fast approaching. Shelley Watters, Cassandra Marshall, and I are hosting this exciting event on our sites March 12-14. Check out my partners-in-crime sites in my sidebar. So far we have half a dozen agents signed up to participate. The agents we have are looking for young adult and middle grade finished manuscripts.
  
Here's how it's going down ...

The agents will be bidding on your 35-word pitch and first 150 words of your finished young adult and middle grade novels. The entries that make it into the match will be posted to our sites on March 12. The agents will have two days to review the entries and make notes on the ones they want. 


On March 14 it's Game On. We'll have a twitter hash tag for the agents to post their bids and taunt their competitors. The agents will be hashing it out to win more pages or fulls on their favorite pitches. Each agent will have a limited amount of tickets/chips to bid with - partials cost less while fulls cost more. We'll have an official rules post before the fun begins. 

Here's how to submit ...

Those of you who participated in our February pitch workshop already have a spot in the submission round. Shine up your pitches and send them tobrendadrakecontests@gmail.com starting now and by the end of February 29 at 11:59PM EST. Put who critiqued your pitch in the subject line like this: Brenda's Workshop March Madness Entry or Shelley's Workshop March Madness Entry or Cassandra's Workshop March Madness Entry. Remember only enter if yours is a young adult or middle grade finishedmanuscript. Please format just as you did for the pitch workshop. (For those of you with other manuscripts, we're working on having a contest for you in the near future so keep an eye out on our blogs.)

It's going to be like the show The Voice. We will pick from the others workshop entries to move on to the Agent Pitch Match. Only one entry per person.

For those who weren't in the pitch workshop, we will have two submission times on March 2.

1ST SUBMISSION TIME: 12:00 pm EST for the first 50.
2ND SUBMISSION TIME: 6:00 pm EST for the next 50. 

Only the best of the best will make it the final round. 

Make sure to check our sites on March 1 for instructions on how to format your entries.

That's it. I'm so excited! 

Pitch Workshop - Wrap Up

We're on the final day of our pitch workshop. Brenda Drake, Cassandra Marshall, and I are done critiquing pitches. Go visit http://brenleedrake.blogspot.com and www.camarshall.com to read their critiques. Several who had signed up to participate didn't send in their entries. 

After some debate, and due to time constraints, we decided not to make a call for submissions to replace those not submitted. We have to start preparing for our big event in March for YA/MG. So, come back in a few days and get all the details. 


The winner (by Random.org) of the door prize (a $35 gift certificate from Editor Cassandra) on my site is...


Rachel Hert 


Don't forget to check Cassandra's affordable editing services!

Pitch Workshop - Entry #15

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Rachel Hert
Title: Daemerkin
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word count: 81,200

Pitch:
Two rules: Kill demons on sight, and stay out of their forest. Tiani shatters both on a dare and runs into one who saves her life, but letting him go means exile or worse… possession.

Shelley's Comments: This is a strong pitch. I like it :) 

Excerpt:

The silence of the forest sent chills up Tiani’s back. Even the crickets were quiet. A faint red glow bathed the mountain ridge, the sky changing from the black of night. A few more minutes and the sun would rise and she could go home. She swallowed past the lump in her throat.Just a few more minutes. I could head back now and it would probably be fine.

Shelley's Comments: Great opening paragraph. I stumbled over the shift between 3rd person and first for the last line. Should that be italicized? 

A chill filled the air, the silence unnerving. There should be something, some sound that spoke of everything being all right. She located Demon’s Point once more, every muscle tightening. Her clammy fingers clenched around the leather bound hilt of the knife and she slipped it from its sheath tied around her leg. It’s probably nothing. Just a wolf or bear. Nothing more dangerous than that.

A twig snapped behind her and Tiani spun, scanning the treeline. “Ehlrin? Is that you?”

Silence.

Shelley's Comments: I loved the pitch and the opening paragraphs. I love the tension that you've infused into this opening page. The only thing I stumbled over really was possibly a formatting issue. Great job. I'd definitely keep reading.

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #16

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Stephanie Scott
Title: The Astronaut's Daughter
Genre: YA Historical
Word count: WIP 65,000 -70,000

Pitch: When sixteen-year-old Evelyn's father is recruited, then replaced, for NASA's Project Gemini, she's torn between maintaining her newly-attained but fleeting popularity and embracing an interacial relationship.

Shelley's Comments: I'm not getting the connection between Evelyn's father's occupation, her fleeting popularity and an interracial relationship. I'm not seeing any stakes. What does she want? What does she stand to lose? 

Excerpt:

Texas was going to make my dreams come true. I was sure of it. Not just for me, but for all of us. Me, my sister Bev, my parents.

Now, if I could get used to the heat. Even alone on the balcony of this old estate house it felt like warm bodies crowded around me. I stood in such a way to prevent sweat from seeping into my dress – a sleeveless fitted sheath that felt too fitted and not sleeveless enough. Either I looked like I had excellent posture, which my mother would love, or like some incurable itch got the best of me.

Back in the ballroom the band started up Moon River. A more appropriate choice would’ve been Heat Wave by Martha and the Vandellas, but I didn’t think this crowd would be into one of my favorite girl groups. Or anything from the current Top 40.

Shelley's Comments: I really like your voice and writing in this piece. But the pitch is not doing this justice. While your writing is full of voice, the pitch is falling flat. 

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #14

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Erica W.
Title: Grave Digger
Genre: Paranormal Romance (Adult)
Word Count: 77,000


Pitch: Romance wasn't on the menu when Stephanie had anaphylaxis, so falling for the apologetic baker was accidental. Being committed to another man was problematic. Realizing both may actually be dead jeopardizes more than her heart.

Shelley's Comments: I'm liking this pitch. Sounds like it has a bit of humor to it as well. 


Excerpt:

Stephanie pulled hard on the wheel, steering her blue Porsche into two parking spots and a hint of the curb. Before throwing open the car door, she flipped down the mirror to check her make-up while tucking long, dark brown curls behind her ears. Then, commanding the sidewalk with each ruby stiletto step, she made her way inside the most elegant jewelry store in Upstate, New York – Rousseau's.

Shelley's Comments: I love the opening sentence. Great job. The next two, however, read a bit recipe-like (Before, then, etc). I really like the voice, though. 

“Miss Reynolds!” the owner called in a thick, yet delightful French accent. He glided toward her in an all-black tuxedo and laid a kiss on both of her cheeks.

“Hello, Christian,” she said. She was glowing with excitement, her big blue eyes peeking over the counters. “I'm here for Phillip's gift?”

Shelley's Comments: Her eyes peeked over the counters? Not quite sure this is the right visual. maybe she perused the counters? Something. it just feels off. 


Christian Rousseau was a man of impeccable style. Though his shop was nestled in the middle of suburbia, clients come from all over the world to purchase a genuine Rousseau creation.

Shelley's Comments: I love your voice in this passage. Besides the few nit-picky things, I really like this. She feels materialistic and self-centered. From the pitch and the opening passage, I look forward to how you will torture her. :) I'm a sucker for romance, so I'd definitely read on!

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #13

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: JW Troemner
Title: The Bones of Babylon
Genre: YA Post-Apocalyptic Fantasy
Word count: 69,000

Pitch:

Chicago never thought herself trapped—the Administration drives away
the monsters and the plague they carry—until Babylon offered her
freedom. She’s fallen for him...too bad he’s out to finish what the
plague started.

Shelley's Comments: I love this pitch. I'm a sucker for post-apocalyptics.


Excerpt:

The empty holes of a human skull leered up at me from its bed of
slime. Exhumed by spring rain, the skull and its hoard of bones
squelched out of the mud at the edge of the woods. Most days the
thought of corpses didn't bother me, but this one spilled a clammy
tremor down my spine.

Shelley's Comments: Wow. What an opening line. Just reading this, I have high hopes for the rest of the book. The entire first paragraph has me itching to beg to read the rest. :)

"I thought you buried all the bodies," I said. All the skeletons for
miles around had been hidden away in a burial mound a decade ago.

Shelley's Comments: The "All the skeletons for miles around" sentence is a bit clunky and I don't quite understand it. If the protag is asking if the person buried the bodies, it feels like it's something that just happened, but the second sentence makes it sound like it happened decades ago.

"I did." Quito knelt in the mud to get a better look at the bones.
Anybody else might have seemed smaller on their knees, but not Quito.
A mountain of a man, his vast sloping shoulders still loomed over me
while he crouched knee-deep in the mud. He drew one of the longer
bones from of the pile and wiped it clean with the edge of his hand,
leaving it ghastly white against his work-stained hands.

Shelley's Comments: Not sure how his shoulders can loom over the protag if he's on his knees? Anyway - overall I REALLY like what you've done here. I would absolutely keep reading.

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #12

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: S.J. Lomas
Title: Dream Girl
Genre: YA
Word count: 70,000

Pitch: Christine meets the mysterious new guy and enters a dreamworld he's visited for years. Government secrets, an anonymous predator, and a cute astronomer lead Christine to choose between the dreamworld or forgetting it forever.

Shelley's Comments: What are the stakes? What does Christine stand to lose for each choice? So she forgets it, does she lose the new guy too? You've got an interesting concept, I'm just not seeing the stakes. Why does she enter the dreamworld, and what's at stake? Also, you might want to make sure your pitch makes your book stand out from Inception. Right now it feels a little Inception-y.

Excerpt:

They were really going to abandon me. Texas wasn’t far enough for them. Now they had to go all the way to Japan!

Shelley's Comments: I like the first line. 

The faster the thoughts swirled in my brain, the faster my little car raced down the road.

What kind of parents leave their daughter behind so they can seek bigger and better promotions? My kind of parents. That’s who.

I squealed into the library parking lot, my workplace for the past two years. I was already fifteen minutes late. Mom, oblivious as usual to the time change between Texas and Michigan, had just called to drop this bombshell while I was getting ready for work.

Japan! Seriously?

“I know it’s far, sweetheart,” Mom had said. “But you’re starting college in the fall anyway. It’s not like you can’t take care of yourself.” So I was eighteen. Barely. That didn’t mean I wanted to be an orphan.

Shelley's Comments: I really like this opening. I'm a little worried about the age of the protagonist, though. 18 is that magic number where it doesn't quite fit into YA, but not quite adult either.  I don't really have any critique for the excerpt, I thought the writing was good and you hooked me. I would keep reading. 

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #11

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Jamie K.
Title: The Adviera Adventures: Abducted
Genre: YA Science Fiction
Word count: 63,000

Pitch:

Gary’s abduction left him with an amazing ability that comes with a price - service to the aliens who gifted it. He must learn to control his ability and discover why he’s their prime interest.

Shelley's Comments: This pitch is *almost* there. What are the stakes? What happens if he doesn't control his ability and discover why he's their prime interest? 


Excerpt:

From within a brick wall, Sandy and her Hasis trainer, Es, watched a man in a black overcoat scavenge a pile of cardboard boxes. The shadowy alley, capped by a chain link fence, lay littered with a colony of stray cats searching for food. One trashcan fell to the ground with a loud clang and a tabby emerged from the can.

Shelley's Comments: I stumbled over this opening sentence. They are actually IN the brick wall, or behind? There is some passive wording - "lay littered". With passive wording happening in the first paragraph, I wonder if the rest of the ms is like this? Other than that, I like the imagery. I think a little tightening would strengthen this opening. 

The man pulled a small gun from his coat pocket and fired at the cat. The purple laser missed the animal by inches and it skittered past him escaping through a small gap under the fence. Using the distraction as a cover, Sandy crept through the brick wall, straightened her jeans and t-shirt, and reached back into the solid surface to pull her companion out by the arm.

Shelley's Comments: The brick wall is still tripping me up - how is she creeping THROUGH the brick wall? The last part of the sentence clues me in that something is not "normal", but I'm still thoroughly confused.

“It’s a dead end,” she said pointing towards the man.

“He’s trapped like a rat in a cage.” Es smirked. Sandy smiled at the use of a human cliché.

Shelley's Comments: The pitch was strong, and had me wanting to read on. But I wasn't pulled in by the passage. I like the imagery, but starting out with someone watching THROUGH a brick wall and them moving through it, when you haven't given me the parameters of your world yet, was jarring. I had a hard time getting  into the story because of that. 

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #10

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Christopher S. Ledbetter
Title: The Sky Throne
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word count: 85,200

Pitch: In order to become powerful enough to avenge an attack on his family, Zeus must access the power of The Sky Throne. But, doing so might kill him in the process.

Shelley's Comments: Great, powerful pitch here. 

Excerpt:

The distance between darkness and light was a nano-moment, my mother once told me. A sliver of space. The breadth of a strand of hair. I hadn’t known what she’d meant until that day. And still wished I hadn’t.

Shelley's Comments: I love this opening paragraph. However, that said, I've heard that you shouldn't open a YA with mentioning the protagonist's parents. But I really do love this.

I trudged up the darkened beach, digging my toes in the sand with each step. Visions of pearl-skinned sea nymphs still danced in my head. Their iridescent eyes and seductive charms made me smile.

"C’mon, Zeus" Anytos called, throwing a stick at my feet.

I held a finger in the air.

"Zeus, seriously." He clapped his hands.

"Wait. Hold on." I closed my eyes to enjoy the images of those sea nymphs. Just a moment longer.

"Zeus!" His words sliced sideways through my memories of them. "Sun’s nearly up. We don’t have much time!" Tos stood at the top of a dune, calling down.

I sighed. “I’m coming.”

Shelley's Comments: I have nothing to critique for this. I loved the opening scene. Other than starting with the mc's parent thing (which, even though that's the advice, I still like it as-is). Great writing, beautiful description. Great job Chris! 

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #9

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Cynthia L. Moyer
Title: The Misfortune of the Emerald Thief
Genre: upper MG magical realism/adventure
Word count: 65,000

Pitch: A fourteen-year-old boy discovers he is the next Keeper of the Emerald Cave, the secret magical energy source the people of the Pacific Northwest are unaware of but rely on every day.

Shelley's Comments: I'm not getting the stakes here. I am familiar with your query, but I feel like you're missing the mark with the pitch. Try using the When X happens, main character must y or z will happen. 

Excerpt:

There had to be a better way to get through town. 

Shelley's Comments: This opening sentence is kind-of blah. 

I gripped the bar above my head as the bus rounded corner after corner, lurching to a stop every other block to let some riders off and even more people on. I was stuck in the land of standing-room only and its sea of perfume threatened to knock me over dead.

Shelley's Comments: Loving the voice here. Seems a little old for mg, but I'm no expert w/MG. 

I couldn’t take it anymore. I jumped off early and headed for the market. It was easy to tell which way to go. All I had to do was follow the stupid bubbles.

Shelley's Comments: Love love love the voice here, and I'm getting the MG voice now. I would almost start the whole passage with "It was easy to tell which way to go: all I had to do was follow the stupid bubbles." Nothing really happens on the bus on the way there, so personally I'd jump forward to the bubbles.

Thousands of them spun in the morning air. As I pushed though the tourists, the smell of the coffee in their cups and the fresh-baked baguettes in their shopping bags teased my nose. My stomach growled. My arms and legs still felt full of lead. Maybe I was getting the flu, with a giant side of train wreck.

Shelley's Comments: The bus part doesn't hook me, but I loooooove the voice in the rest of this. I say drop the bus part and skip forward to the bubbles. My only critique on the last paragraph is would a MG protagonist really wonder if they were getting the flu? That sentence rang a little older for me. But, again, I don't write MG. 

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #8

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Christina Marie Morales
Title: Ambience
Genre: YA Paranormal
Word count: 80,000

Pitch: Augusto and Jennifer find their love tested within a city known for its ghost stories that turn out aren’t at all fictional. Welcome to Saint Augustine, Florida where finding love might just kill you.

Shelley's Comments: While I really like this pitch, the phrasing "within a city known for its ghost stories that turn out aren't at all fictional" is clunky. Can you figure out how to rephrase to be more succinct? I'm a sucker for romance, (and ghost stories), so even with the clunkiness of some of the pitch, I'd keep reading. :)

Excerpt: 

Nightfall had finally settled over the deserted city streets. I was waiting for my replacement on the highest ledge of the fort I had been protecting for the last ten hours and my feet ached for a rest. The dark bay below me reflected the already risen moon and when I heard footsteps from behind, I turned to greet the newly arrived.

Shelley's Comments: You've got a lot of passive wording in this opening paragraph. Do a search and replace for all forms of "to be" (i.e was waiting, had been, already risen, etc) and revise to eliminate as many as possible to make your voice more active. I am interested to see why she's defending a fort. I like the idea that a girl has a guard position! 

“Thank you once again.” I told Eloy, my fellow soldier as he took my position on the ledge and shooed me home.

Shelley's Comments: You're missing a comma after Thank you and my fellow soldier. 

“Just get going before they eat all that birthday food.” he joked. “I’ve seen those brothers of yours eat. You’ll be lucky if they left you anything.”

Shelley's Comments: The period after food should be a comma. 

It was my mother’s birthday and though I wanted to thank him again for switching nights with me so I could be with her for supper, I followed his order and hurried away. My senses had become so overloaded with the smells of dirt and sweat for the last ten hours that I nearly fell in my hurry to my mother’s untarnished and sweet-smelling kitchen.

Shelley's Comments: I feel like you're missing an opportunity here. I'm left asking why she's on the ledge on lookout, what she's watching for, and am excited to see what's going to happen. But then she is relieved by someone to go to a birthday party. You've got the sensory details to bring this opening scene to life, but they don't happen until later. I'd love to see more sensory details in that opening paragraph. Take these opening pages to really grab us. Suck us into the story. You've got a great premise. You had me hooked from the pitch. Now keep me hooked. 

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #7

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Joshua R.
Title: Undead Chaos
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 82,060

Pitch: When a simple zombie beheading goes horribly wrong, Warlock Marcus Shifter must dive into the deadly, paranormal world in order to battle an apocalyptic cult hell-bent on making rampant undead the least of humanity’s problems.

Shelley's Comments: Ooh I think I remember this pitch from something else. But isn't it his fault the zombie is beheaded or something? That said, you've got a pretty good pitch here. I'm always a sucker for a good post apocalyptic zombie movie/book. But I don't think this is post apocalyptic. Okay enough rambling. So you've got the When x (botched zombie beheading) happens, mc must y (battle an evil cult), but we're missing the z - the what happens if the mc fails? We're missing the stakes for Marcus.  

Excerpt:

“I’m looking for Marcus Shifter,” the lady on the phone said in a hushed, hurried voice.

Shelley's Comments: I'm not a fan of starting off a novel with dialog. It throws us into a situation without giving us any setup as to who the protagonist is or what they are doing. 

I paused Stripes and sat up. “You got him.”

Shelley's Comments: huh? you paused "Stripes"? Not really understanding what you mean here. 

“My name is Carly Banks and my husband died a month ago.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. Another Normal hoping to resurrect a loved one.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Banks, but I’m a Warlock, not a Necromancer. I can’t raise the dead.”

“You don’t have to,” she said, quickly. “He’s on my front lawn with a shotgun.”

I arrived at her neighborhood twenty minutes later.

Shelley's Comments: Loving this, loving the voice. Almost forgiving you for starting with dialog. :)

The Banks lived in one of the posh suburbs outside of Washington, D.C. that catered to people with too much money and not enough imagination. Carly’s place was a clone of the others: a three-story McMansion with perfectly manicured landscaping and a neon-green lawn. The four-car garage was larger than my townhouse and a fountain bubbled noisily in the middle of the circular drive.

Shelley's Comments: I think you'd be doing yourself a favor to rework this opening scene to get rid of the dialog. Maybe start with something like "It was a twenty minute drive, but the panic in Mrs. Bank's voice when she said her dead husband was now standing on their front lawn with a shotgun had me pressing the accelerator to the floor." Then continue with the paragraph about the description of their neighborhood as he pulls up. That way you hook the reader with the fact that there is a dead man with a shotgun, a wife holed up in the house, and he's on his way to save the day. Or something like that. 

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #6

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Suzi R
Title: Frosty
Genre: Contemporary Young Adult
Word Count: 52,000 words

Pitch:

When a troubled foster girl learns the lives of the privileged kids are not so perfect, her frozen exterior begins to thaw, but it may not be enough to open up her heart to love.

Shelley's Comments: I'm not really feeling this pitch. Is this all that happens in the book? Can you give us more info, tell us more about what happens? Who does she meet? What happens and how does it change her? What are the stakes? What does she want more than anything? What happens if she if she doesn't get it? It's kinda falling flat for me right now. You've got the When x happens, mc must y in order to z, but I think it's the "her exterior begins to thaw" (or y)  that is missing the mark.  

First 150:

Snow swirled and wet hair lashed at my face as the wind whipped through my worn coat. My ears tingled from the frigid air, but I stayed outside. The caseworker thought I was nuts, but I liked the cold. It numbed me… relaxed me. Besides, I couldn’t smoke inside—those were the rules.

Shelley's Comments: The first sentence isn't as strong as it could be. Like on the other entries, beware of the "as" phrasing. I really like the idea that she liked the cold. Personally, I'd rework the first paragraph to start off with the strongest part - that she liked the cold - it numbed and relaxed her.


My nerves were calm now and as I finished my second cigarette, Jim pulled up in a dark Mercedes. Cool—none of my former foster families were wealthy. He must have left Lana at home, along with Brooke, the daughter I hadn’t met. This time the caseworker suggested placing me in a family with a teenage girl. As if me and Brooke would be close friends and my senior year would be the best ever. I was smart enough to know that would never happen. I just needed to get through these last six months with the Claytons and I’d be on my own.

Shelley's Comments: I'm disoriented by this paragraph. She refers to her foster dad as Jim, and thinks "cool" when he pulls up in the Mercedes. But then she describes how he must have left the rest of the family at home. I can't tell if she already lives with this family or if this is their first meeting. 


I like your voice and think you've done a good job of making it a sound like a teen.

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #5

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Jenny Kaczorowski
Title: The Alterae
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy with romantic elements
Word count: 64,000

Pitch:

Sixteen-year-old Emma Hawthorne must master her unwanted ability to manipulate emotions in order to find her place in the supernatural world of the Alterae and to destroy the creature who wants to take her soul.

Shelley's Comments: This is a pretty strong pitch, however I wasn't hooked. My problem is that her only desires/goals are to find her place in the world. Which doesn't seem that exciting. Isn't every teen's goal to find their place in the world (be it supernatural or not?) I'm a big fan of the When x happens, (main character) must do y in order to z pitch structure. I feel like your pitch is missing something, but I'm not quite sure what it is. 

Excerpt:

Emma hadn’t slept in three days. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the river again. Saw her again.

She shuddered and forced herself to watch the mourners gathering around the grave at the base of the hill. The black-clad figures clung to one another, finding comfort in knowing they didn’t mourn alone. Comfort Emma couldn’t share. Even from where she stood at the crest of the cemetery, their shock and grief and anger pounded against her.

The wind shaped Emma’s dark hair into softly waving tendrils and she brushed them away from her face with the back of her hand. She shifted and the frozen dew clinging to the grass crackled under her feet.

Emma knew she should join the other mourners. She knew they expected her to share in their public display of sorrow.

But she couldn’t.

The slightest touch, the slightest betrayal of emotion and she would lose everything.

Shelley's Comments: While I wasn't particularly hooked with the pitch, I really enjoyed this opening section. I like the way you hint at the fact that Emma might not be "normal", but you don't throw it in our face. That subtlety is refreshing. Also - 3rd person in YA is something I rarely run across. Most YA's tend to be 1st person. Again, it's refreshing (provided that you don't start head hopping! :) )

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #4

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Ellen Rozek
Title: The Recruited
Genre: YA thriller
Word Count: 80k

Pitch: Naomi, a teenage murderer hunting terrorists for the government, must simultaneously avoid the attentions of a boy who would like nothing better than to uncover her secrets and stay one step ahead of her enemies.

Shelley's comment: I'm confused by the phrase "teenage murderer". Is she really a murderer, or an assassin? Why is she hunting terrorists for the government? Who are her enemies? Why does the boy want to uncover her secrets? What are the stakes? What does she have to lose if he does uncover her secrets? What are the stakes? 

Excerpt:

The whispers of the other uniformed girls reached Naomi’s ears as she jogged back across the yard and fell into line. Ever since she’d taken up running during their brief moments outside, the same girls who had ignored her after her initial arrival suddenly found her worth gossiping about again. It didn’t matter one way or the other to Naomi. Ignoring everyone around her had gotten her through nearly three years in juvenile prison, and she wasn’t about to stop now.

Shelley's comments: So she really is a murderer. I think this opening paragraph is missing the mark. You've *almost* got me hooked. If you had started out the paragraph with the "Ignoring everyone around her..." sentence, I might have been hooked. 

Most of the other inmates had lost interest when they’d found out that harsh words or threats did nothing to provoke her. The few who hadn’t soon learned that she wasn’t above defending herself and that fist fights didn’t faze her. It also didn’t hurt that—of all the girls in the facility—Naomi was the only one convicted of murder.

Shelley's Comments: The last line of the second paragraph is what finally hooked me. We've got a teenage murderer here. I would rearrange the two paragraphs to clue the reader in much earlier that the protagonist is someone special, potentially an anti-hero. 

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #3

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: MarcyKate

Title: MONSTROUS

Genre: YA Fantasy

Word count: 70,000

Pitch: MONSTROUS, a YA fantasy, is Frankenstein meets the Brothers

Grimm told from the viewpoint of the monster as a teenage girl.

Shelley's comment: Some people do their pitches like this, but personally, I don't really care for this format. I'd rather know what the plot of the book is than what the theme is. What happens in the book? I do love the idea that it is Frankenstein meets the Brothers Grimm. Can you think of a way to tell us that it's F meets BG within the scope of telling us what the book is actually about?

Excerpt:

DAY ONE

I’ll never forget my first breath. Gasping. Heaving. Delicious.

Shelley's comments: Awesome first line. First paragraph, in fact. 

When I opened my eyes, the colors of the world swarmed me, filling up

all space with hues and objects for which I had no name.

Three seconds later, I passed out from sensory overload, or at least

that is what Father says. He fixed me up and when I woke the second

time, the world became a more comprehensible place. The object

hovering over me was a face, the circles within it were eyes, and the

warm, wet drips leaking from them were tears.

The crease across the bottom that widened under my gaze was a smile.

“You’re alive,” Father said.

DAY TWO

I lean back against the willow and hold out my arms, studying them

under the waning sunlight. The thin red lines marking the sections of

my body have faded to nearly nothing, leaving

only the many shades of my flesh and the tiny metal bolts fastening

joint to wing, tail to spine, and neck to shoulder.

Shelley's Comments: Wow. What a way to start out a book. I would definitely keep reading. I have not come across a YA Frankenstein story. With that said, I was jarred a little when Day One was in past tense and day two was in present. Is the rest of the story in present tense? Also the fact that she has wings and a tail. Interested to see what happens!

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #1

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Cassandra Marshall and I!

Here's how we're going to play:

Every day for the next ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word entries to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can critique the entry in the comment section. 

My rules if you are going to critique: be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any mean comments like "this sucks" etc will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques. Play fair.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to www.camarshall.com and http://brenleedrake.blogspot.com to critique the posts on their blogs as well. One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique other people's work! It helps us look at our own work with a critical eye.

Remember, this event is in preparation for our big Pitch event coming up in March! So even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along. It'll help you for the upcoming EPIC event!


With that said, here's our first entry! My comments are bold and in ORANGE.


Name: Nicole
Title: Moral Compass
Genre: YA fantasy
Word count: 70,000


Pitch:

In a town where people are controlled by moral compasses tattooed on their palms, Tobin defies his and risks imprisonment as he starts having a secret relationship with a girl who already has a mate.

Shelley's comments: I really like this pitch! The only thing I stumbled on was the moral compasses tattooed on their arms. How can a tattoo control someone? I love the secret relationship w/ a forbidden girl aspect. But, what are the stakes if he doesn't have a relationship with her? What does he stand to lose? Is his only desire to be with this girl?


Excerpt:

Why the hell is there sand in my mouth?

Shelley's comments: Great first line. I'm hooked. I want to know why there is sand in his mouth too!

The gritty grains make a horrible crunch as they crackle between my teeth. My chap lips pucker as I try to spit, but I barely have enough saliva. My throat is so dry it hurts to swallow.

Shelley's comments: "gritty grains" doesn't really work for me. I would take out gritty. Also "chap" seems like it should be chapped. Also, careful with overuse of the -as sentence structure. Ex. I do this as I'm doing that. Especially at the beginning of a sentence. Here's a great article on why you don't want to use this type of sentence structure.


As my hand swipes across my lips, my eyes blink open and I stare out at my surroundings.

Shelley's comments: This isn't really working for me. (Again with the "as" phrasing). Maybe rephrase something like "I swipe a hand across my lips and I strain to open my gritty eyes. If I had any moisture in my mouth, it would have evaporated as I stared slack-jawed at the sight before me." Something like that. But in your own words. :)
Everything is beige. Sand dunes stretch out on the horizon and all I can see is barren land.

Shelley's comments: "All I can see is..." is telling. Show us.

What am I doing in a desert?

How did I get here?

My heart races when I realize I can’t answer my own questions.

Shelley's comments: "I realize" is telling. Show us.

I strain to think of my life before this, but all I get is a headache. I can’t even remember what I look like. The bones in my body feel foreign, and my skin feels like a leech attaching itself to my skeleton.

Shelley's Comments: I really like the visuals that you give us here. My comments were generally related to nit-picky grammatical/structure stuff. But overall I like the way you've disoriented the reader along with your main character. I would keep reading.

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Entry #2

My comments are bold and in ORANGE.

Name: Vicki Tremper

Title: FINDING SOPHIE

Genre: YA 

Word count: 68,000

Shelley's comment: YA is the age group. What genre is this? From the pitch, I'd guess Time travel/Fantasy?

Pitch:

When a teen dancer falls backward in time to 1895 Paris, she must solve a family mystery to prevent getting stuck in the past with a violent cop and the love she can’t marry.

Shelley's comment: There's something about this that doesn't quite grab me. I love the time-travel idea. Does the fact that she's a dancer play into the plot at all, or is it just a character detail? If it's important, leave it in the  pitch (and tell us why that fact is important). Otherwise, ditch it from the pitch. I'm also not seeing the stakes. So she's stuck in the past with a violent cop. Is he going to kill her? How is he important to the main plot? The love she can't marry - she's a teenager - would she really be concerned about not being able to marry him? What does solving a family mystery do? Will that impact the future she returns to? For the pitch, focus on the main plot of the book (which I can't really tell what that is at this point). 

Excerpt:

Wind rushed down the metro platform, stealing our breath and trying to steal our dance bags. I wished it would steal away the smell.

Shelley's comment: I like the visuals here, but I'm not sure I'm hooked yet.

           Humming the adagio from the second act of Giselle, my favorite ballet, I could almost hear the mournful cello echoing off the arched tile walls while my best friend bounced on her toes.

           Our train arrived with a great rumbling and whooshing, and we squeezed on. There was nowhere to sit, barely anywhere to stand. Silently cursing the Friday-before-Bastille-Day crowds, I struggled to stay upright. I ignored the elbow pushing at my neck and the briefcase banging against a knee.

           “Sophie, you are so lucky to have a hot boy in your host family,” Abby said from the other side of the pole in front of the doors. Her green eyes glinted under her thick bangs. “I’d consider giving up dance for the chance at a French cutie under the same roof.”

Shelley's Comments: This opening section didn't really hook me. I love your description and attention to detail, but nothing really happens here except that they are getting on a busy metro. It isn't until the very last paragraph when Abby hints that there is a hot boy and they are in France do I get a hint of something that might possibly happen. With that said, I think you've got a great concept, it just might start off a little too slow for my tastes. If I were an agent, however, I would request more to see if the action picks up, because I like your writing style and attention to detail.

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember the critiquing rules. Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Any nastiness will be deleted at my discretion.

Pitch Workshop - Instructions

It's time for those of you who made it into the pitch contest to submit your pitches to brendadrakecontest@gmail.com.

Please format your email submissions as follows...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: brendadrakecontests@gmail.com
Subject: Pitch Workshop

Name: The name you want on your post
Title: Your MS Title

Genre: Any Genre

Word count: The number of words in your manuscript - like - 70,000 (word count matters and we'll tell you if yours is off)


Pitch:
35-word (exact) pitch
Excerpt:

The first 150 words of your manuscript (if the 150th word falls in the middle of a sentence, then please go to the end of that sentence.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your critiquers...

Cassandra Marshall

Brenda Drake

Shelley Watters

We'll be posting two each on all three of our sites for ten days starting February 8th. So hurry and get your pitches into us. First come first served. Your pitches will be open to critiques from others. And you can also post them on your own blogs if you'd like more feedback.

On the final critique day, we'll announce one winner of a fantabulous door prize by Editor Cassandra on each of our sites (that's three prizes).
That's it!

Pitch Workshop with Shelley Watters, Brenda Drake and Cassandra Marshall

Come join the fun and get your pitch ready for a major pitching event coming in March. My critique buddies and I are critiquing 20 pitches each. Not only that, but you'll get critiques from your fellow writer bloggers! Win!

Here's how it's going down ...

The first 60 entries in the linky below will qualify to submit their 35-word pitch and first 150 words of their Adult, YA, or MG (any genre) manuscript for critiquing. You many only enter once. We'll critique them and post them to our sites for further critiques from your writing friends. We will pull three random door prize winners for the editing certificates from Editor Cassandra. If we don't reach 60 entrants before February 17th, we'll close the linky and split the participants between us. Simple.

Here's your critiquers (click on their names to learn more about them)...


Brenda Drake


Cassandra Marshall


Shelley Watters

Please only enter if you want your entries posted to our sites for critiques.

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